When all is lost
by engravingwordswiththornsofrose
Summary: When Hermione falls in love with a man she's never met, she's forced to betray the ones she loved and the one man who loves her back. M for just in case I decide the story heads that way.... Setting: Grimmauld Place, 7th year
1. Memories is the form of dreams

**Disclaimer**: I do not own anything to do with Harry Potter. Sadly I am not the genius, only the person who implements my perspective on what should happen, have happened, or will happen, with the characters.

Hermione stood alone in the dark courtyard, and looked at her surrounding. She gazed at her watch and, although it said 11:00 AM, it was as dark as night . She didn't know where she was, or even recall how she got there. Cloaked figures were moving around her, whispering, cackling, and taunting her every move. She stepped back , but tripped on her robes, sending her crashing into the ground. Pain spread through her body, as the figures burst into laughter. Ignoring her pain, she jumped to her feet, whipped out her wand and whispered "Lumos" to try and catch a glimpse at the masked figured. Before she could finish the incantation her wand was sent flying out of her hand into the darkness surrounding her. She stood up abruptly but was sent to her knees by a flash of light which hit her in the back.

Crying out in pain, Hermione realized she was the only one making noise. She stopped mid-cry and listened intently, but no sound could be heard.

Breaking the silence was a mans voice, "Well well, look who we have here." The voice was deep, and dark. Hermione knew the voice. Her mind was running through profiles of people she had met, but nobody in particular came into view.

He walked up and stood in front of her. "What should we do with this one?"

Snickers could be heard in the distance, as the tall man kneeled down in front of her, and cupped her chin with his hand, making her lift her head to meet his face. Her eyes scanned his mask, making contact with his own. She knew those eyes, and knew them well, but before she could recognize them, everything surrounding her went black.

**--**

Hermione shot out of bed, startled at her dream. Sweat drenched her pillow and clothing, as she tried to slow down her breath. She kept on having the same dream for days on end, and was getting more frustrated as each day passed.

Once again she tried to look back on that day two weeks before, but she could only remember as far as her dreams would let her.

_Why couldn't she remember farther?_

_And who was that man?_

_He was so… intriguing… and… infatuating. If only she knew who he was! Those eyes… that voice… she couldn't pin point it. But he consumed her thoughts… her dreams… she wanted to know so bad!_

Flustered, she rose from her bed, her nightgown just barely reaching the floor. She opened the door to her room, and went downstairs. Maybe some warm milk and a sleeping drought could help her fall asleep. She made her way into the kitchen and retrieved her items. On the way back, she noticed a dim light in the living room. Peeking her way around the corner she noticed it was Remus, sitting on the couch reading one of the many books.

_He's so beautiful… I shouldn't disturb him… I should just leave._

As she turned to walk away, she heard the familiar voice. "Hermione? What are you doing up to late?" His voice was warm, and loving, but definetly not the one from her dream.

"I… I couldn't sleep," she stuttered, trying to explain why she wasn't asleep like the others.

"Is there a particular reason why?" Remus asked. His eyes were filled with concern, and his voice was caring.

_What should I tell him?_

"It was a dream I had…"

"Do you want to talk about it?"

_No…_

She paused for a moment thinking. He was one of her closest friends. Almost as close as Harry, and Ron. But she couldn't tell him… He would worry, and try to analyze it. She couldn't tell him… at least not yet.

"It wasn't anything much… just a memory," she frantically tried to think. One that was hurt, and disturbing… "Of Sirius, when he fell into the veil," she quickly added.

_Why did I lie?_

Remus eyed her suspiciously. "Are you going to be alright to go to bed Hermione?"

_No… don't let me go…_

"Yes. Ill be fine"

She left the room nervously, trying not to let her feelings get the best of her. Slowly she made her way up to her room, thoughts running frantically through her head.

_Why did I lie to him? I know he would worry, but I should worry too. He's the closest one to me… I should've just told him the truth._

_But he looked so peaceful there, alone, happy… and… gorgeous. Maybe I should go back, maybe I should… I don't know… sit with him a while…_

_No Hermione! He's married… and has a kid… and is so… wonderful…_

_Hermione always had a fancy for Remus, but she kept it to herself. It wasn't right for her to love a married man. A father. A werewolf._

_She decided to shutdown her mind as she drank the sleeping draught, and before her head could hit her pillow, she fell into a deep sleep._


	2. It takes two to love

A/N: Alright so the story is getting somewhere… not sure where really but I guess we'll all found out sometime soon right?

--

"Ugh! I can't do this!" Hermione exclaimed, slamming her pen down onto the desk in front of her. "This is stupid," she grumbled picking up her books and stomping off to her bedroom, leaving her essay lying on the table.

"Bloody Hell… I've never seen her so agitated," Ron stated, wondering what was going on.

"Me neither. I wonder what's wrong," Harry wondered, soon being distracted by his girlfriend.

"Well, no use letting her paper go to waste… I haven't even started mine," Ron claimed walking over to the desk and picking up the paper.

Remus, who was also sitting in the library at the time, gazed at her as she walked away. Following her with his eyes.

As Hermione reached her room, she slammed the door, threw down her books, and jumped onto her bed, burying her head into the pillows. The dream was causing her grief. She couldn't think, she couldn't sleep. There was nothing she could do that wouldn't give her thoughts of it.

It just bothered her, that she couldn't remember. She didn't know what happened after everything went dark. She knew she was awake when all this really happened… even after everything went black, but something had erased her memories… and was only letting her see enough to drive her insane.

Slowly the door creaked open, and footsteps made their way to her bed. Hermione didn't turn around, but she held her breath waiting to find out who it was.

The figure sat down and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Hermione?" asked the voice of a man. A caring, kind voice. Remus.

_Mi god. It's him._

"Yes?" Hermione replied, trying to keep her voice as stable as she could.

Remus paused for a moment. He took a look at her, lying there, refusing to face him.

She was beautiful…

"Are you alright? You stormed away so fast no one got a chance to ask." He questioned.

"Nothing, I… I'm just frustrated," she stuttered.

_Why can't I tell him?! Why won't I let myself!?_

"If you need to talk about anything, Hermione, im here."

"I know," she replied.

"Alright, well if that's all," he said hurt from her being unwilling to tell him. He then stood up.

Hermione turned around quickly, "No! Don't go!"

_SHIT! WHAT DID I JUST SAY??_

Remus looked at her, raising an eyebrow in question.

"I… I mean," she tried to think quickly. "Tonight is a full moon, and I… I want to wish you luck."

_Im so STUPID!!_

"Oh… well yes tonight is a full moon. And, thank you," he said curtly, although his facial expression dropped a bit. He turned and walked to the door. "I'll see you in a few days…" Closing the door behind him he paused a moment and leaned back into the room. "Hermione, if you ever need someone to talk to, my door is always open," he stated, his smile faltering only when he added, "Well except for tonight, because you know… it being a full moon and all."

Hermione smiled, nodding her head in understanding.

Remus smiled back, and quietly whispered "Goodnight," leaving the room and closing the door behind him.

As soon as the door closed, Hermione dropped her head onto the pillow to muffle her scream of frustration.

_He's so gorgeous! And after that slip up all I have to say is good luck?! I should just tell him how I feel… let him know the feelings are there! Who cares if he's married! Who knows… he might have feelings for me! What am I talking about, Im crazy! Why in the world would he love me!?_

--

Remus paused outside her bedroom, unsure whether to go back in and try to help her out some more. She did, in fact, seem like she wanted him there. No, surely… she only wanted to wish him luck, besides… what makes him think a woman like her would have any interest in him, a werewolf.

He remembered her, back in her 3rd year of school. She was so young, so smart, top of her class. Since then she had grown from a small girl, into a woman… and a wonderful one at that.

But no, he was married… he had a son… and surely this was just his hormones, raging from his wolf side. And when this full moon was done, she would be nothing more than a friend… as she had always been.

But she wouldn't leave his thoughts. And he wondered, if only for a moment, that he may have grown to see her as more than a friend. Shaking his head and brushing off the thoughts, he dashed away down the stairs, to finish his tasks before the full moon made its monthly appearance.


	3. Its all so unexpected

Hermione rolled over in bed and looked at her clock. It read 7:00 PM but it was still fairly light out, so she decided to get up and leave the house for some fresh air and some time to think.

She walked down the stairs slowly, being sure not to let them creak. If the others knew she was going out, they wouldn't want her to go alone… or at least would pry into her business to find out where she was going.

She reached the bottom of the stairs and strolled to the front door calmly, as to not wake up that wretched portrait which lay behind the curtain.

It was a nice day out, she noticed, and there weren't too many people around, which made her walk all the more enjoyable. She walked along the streets, turning corner after corner. Thoughts of the day mere weeks ago, when she first heard that dark voice, consumed her thoughts. And before she knew it she was walking through the very same courtyard. She stopped abruptly and looked around. She took in her surroundings now that everything was lit, and tried to take herself back to that moment. Hermione closed her eyes, trying to picture everything that went on. The darkness. The shadows. The man.

Suddenly two beings strongly grabbed her arms from behind, and she felt suction all around her body. Just then she landed hard on a cement floor, crying out in pain as she hit her knees. Laughing could be heard all around her, as she stood up. There were obviously people in the room with her, but they were hiding in the shadows.

The room was as dark as midnight. Bells rang off in her mind and she heard a voice inside her head. _This is an all too familiar situation._

Once again everything went silent. Hermione strained her ears to try to listen for sounds, but nothing but her breathing could be heard. She could hear footsteps slowly making their way. Heavy ones, getting louder and louder, obviously moving towards her.

Then she heard the voice again. It was deep. Dark. Husky.

"Well Miss. Granger, you sure seem to find yourself in these predicaments often."

"They're the ones who brought me here," she spat defiantly, all sense of fear washing away. If she knew this person than obviously he knew her. But who could she know that would do this to her?

Snickering and whispered could be heard from the crowd, but Hermione tried to shut that out and concentrate on the figure before her. She watched him walk closer, until he was right in front of her.

He was almost half a foot taller than her and had to lean down to her ear to whisper, "Play along and I'll get you out of here." She was confused and puzzled as the figure stated, "Our master will want to see you. I guess I'll have to be the one to take you there," sounding as if this was such a chore for him to do.

He roughly grabbed her arm and lifted her off the ground and walked briskly towards the door of the room, Hermione trailing behind him. He opened the big oak doors and pushed her out, fallowing close behind her.

"Where are you taking me?" she asked him, just as he placed his hands in hers, and she could feel the pressure around her body once again.

This time she landed on a carpeted floor, with the mysterious man still holding her hand. He let go and stalked ahead of her instructing, "Follow me," without looking back.

Reluctantly she followed him, gazing around her. She was in an apartment, that was for sure. It was dimly lit, and the walls were red, casting an eery glow all around. As she followed, she passed room by room, looking in each one. Some were filled to the ceiling with books, others looked almost empty.

The man stopped in front of a closed door, and placed his hand on her shoulder pushing her through the door before him. Facinated by the door itself, Hermione paused to gaze at it, only to be pushed more into the room by the masked figure. "Sit," he instructed, pointing to a large desk.

Wondering why she couldn't sit on the chair, Hermione propped herself on the desk and stared at him curiously as he trailed his finger along a row of books. His fingers were long, and thin, and Hermione found herself wondering what they would feel like on her body. She shook her head and scolded herself.

_Surely Hermione Granger, you aren't infatuated with this man. You don't even know his name, let alone know what he looks like. _Her inner voice told her. But even Hermione herself had doubts on the matter.

She had to say something. It was all too quiet. Unsure what to do, she made a slight little cough. Grumbling when he ignored her, she cleared her voice louder.

Stopping abruptly, he turned towards her. "Do you want something?" He sounded annoyed.

"Actually, yes," she responded. "Who are you, and why have you brought me here when you could have left me to die with… whoever they were?"

The man continued to gaze at her, his eyes boring deep into her soul. He walked towards her, but all she could find herself doing, was staring into his eyes. "Unfortunately Miss. Granger, I am troubling myself at this moment by bringing you here, because sadly leaving you with those wretched people would play a guilty string of what's left of my concience." By now, his face was mere inches from hers, and she could feel his breath. "Now, if this starts to become a habit of yours, I will be forced to as they say, leave you to the dogs."

_Where did she recognize that voice?! It was driving her insane. And he was so close… yet… no Hermione STOP IT! Stop thinking like that._

"Thank you," was all she managed to say in return. As he pulled away from her and continued to search his library, she frantically thought of something to say. "I need to repay you!" She claimed. "For… saving me."

"No need," he waved a hand at her, continuing to search.

Irritated at his refusal of her proposal, Hermione insisted, "Really… if you didn't help me, I'd probably be dead."

"Oh, you wouldn't be dead yet. They would have some fun first, but yes eventually you would cease to exist. But… if you must," he walked towards her.

Only one thought popped into her mind, and she thought she would play along. "I'll do… anything," she replied huskily.

Mere inches from her face he whispered, "Information."

Slightly taken aback she asked "What?" as this wasn't the response she was expecting or, although she wouldn't admit it to herself, hoping for.

"I need information Granger. This is a war were fighting, and we both need to survive. I need information, and you so obviously need protection," he bluntly stated, still only inches from her face.

Knowing exactly what he meant of information she stuttered, "But I can't betray my friends, my… family. I'd rather not have your…" But she was silenced by his lips pressing against hers. At first gently and then more passionately, and she melted into him. As their mouths formed into each others, he slipped a vial into her hand. Then just as soon as it started, he broke the kiss, and she felt the same pressure motion all around here. Hermione landed on the floor and when she looked around, she found herself alone in her bedroom. She got up, and lied onto her bed, with nothing but the thoughts of what just happened filling her mind, and the feelings of his lips, still tingling on hers.

_--_

_A/N: Okayy NOWWW were getting somewhere…. The writing probably sucks considering its 3 in the morning, but I felt bad cause every time I start a story I never seem to finish it. Anyways im doing my best to get along with this one…_

_Butt whoo is the mysterious man?? Anyone know?? _


	4. From dreams to Emotions

A/N: Soooo how did you like that one?? I think it was pretty good. But I got Wayyyy more to go!!

so... ENJOY!!

* * *

Hermione awoke the next morning still in a daze. She sat up on her bed, her head pounding, and her mind racing.

_Was it all just a dream?_

_No... it couldn't have been a dream... it was so... real._

She thought back to the previous night. She remembered the dark room, and the hidden people laughing. She remembered him standing in front of her. She could still feel his hand holding her arm, and his body heat as he stood close, and his lips as they met hers. Her heart fluttered as she thought about it.

Ignoring this feeling Hermione stood up and grabbed her robe. She put it on and picked up her wand. As she placed it in her pocket, her hand brushed against something. Pausing only a moment, she took the mysterious object from her pocket to inspect it. It was a vial. A purple vial.

Hermione thought for a moment and realized this was the vial the man placed in her pocket the night before.

_So it wasn't a dream._

She gazed at the vial, placing it on the desk beside her bed. Walking towards the door, she stopped briefly to gaze at the liquid, and then walked out of the room.

She walked down the stairs and towards the kitchen, rubbing her temples, and praying to god that nobody was in the kitchen. She wanted to get in and out without anybody questioning her on her whereabouts.

She opened the door and silently swore.

_Bloody Hell... just my luck._

The kitchen was packed with just about everyone in the house. Molly was scuttling around, cooking, and serving the order members. Harry was having what looked like a heated conversation with Ginny, and Ron was animatedly telling his brothers about his last mission and stuffing his face with his mothers food. At the far end of the table Arthur was talking with Kingsley, and Moody about the order's next steps. And then there was Remus. He sat alone, eating his breakfast peacefully. Hermione's heart jumped at the sight of him. He was beautiful.

_Should I go over there? Or wait until he notices me._

He looked up at her and smiled, his eyes making contact with hers. They were warm, and caring. Then his gaze drifted a bit and his smile faultered, if only slightly. Wondering what that was about, she was startled by a women passing her.

"Morning Hermione." It was Tonks. His wife. Jealousy surged through Hermione as Tonks sat beside her husband, kissing him on the head.

Hermione scolded herself for thinking these thoughts, but as she watched Remus, she noticed something strange. Although his smile remained there, his eyes showed something different. Something like reluctance... something like... regret.

"Would you like something to eat dear? A cup of tea perhaps?" Molly asked her, interrupting her thoughts and bringing her back to reality.

"Er... no thank you," Hermione smiled. "Im... not hungry anymore."

She turned on her heels and walked out of the kitchen. With only one pair of eyes watching her as she left.


	5. When fantasy becomes reality

* * *

A/N: Okayy I actually had this one sitting around doing nothing and this story is really old and I just havent updated but hm... read this and if you think i should continue let me know.

Hermione spent the day searching through the library. Her mind was taken over by thoughts of this man, and the vial that still lay in her room.

_What can it be? Should I take it?_

After hours of searching potion books and other literature she couldn't find one specific potion that was purple. There were a whole range of them. From healing potions to poisons. Finally after she figured there was no use searching any longer, she realized it was late and decided to go to bed.

She arrived in her room, taking off her robe and placing in on the coathanger. Walking over towards her bed, she glanced at the vial and realized that there was now a note sitting beside it. Neatly folded, with beautiful green writing, it wrote;

"I know you want to see the dream, so drink this, and relish in your memories."

She stared at the note, curiously, and picked up the vial. Taking out the cork she smelled it. It was sweet like honey.

Shrugging, she downed it in one shot. Besides... this wasn't the most reckless thing she's ever done.

Sleep soon took her over as she laid her head down to rest, on her pillow...

The dream came over her again...

The Darkness. The laughter. The man... but this time... it didn't stop there.

Things flashed before her eyes. So quickly she could barely understand what was going on.

Suddenly, everything slowed down. Scene by scene she watched them.

Death eater asfter death eater, cursing her, torturing her, violating her. And she could feel everything. Feel the pain, feel the embarassment, feel the weakness.

And then there he was. Caressing her. Holding her. Saving her.

She felt safe with him. As if none of her cares in the world mattered. And she knew that she needed his protection, because this torture would not stop. The death eaters were after her, and she didn't know why, but the only way to make sure she would be safe was to help him.

When she woke up she was sweating, and shaking. She cursed herself for wanting to remember in the first place, and for doing what she was about to do.

The order couldn't protect her, only this man. And she knew she would have to betray everyone to stay alive.


End file.
